Residents of Kant expressed their relief at hearing themselves officially declared the only English county without otters.
Councillor Mrs Jean Control-Freke said “We’ve got a nice ordered environment here, within easy reach of London thanks to the M25 and high-speed rail link. Everywhere is buzzing with traffic and lots of new housing going up. The last thing we need is a load of wild animals coming here and making a mess."
Just a few minutes drive away, local developer Dennis Tidysum fully backs the Council’s stance, saying, “Jean’s absolutely right. Beasts like these can cause havoc with planning, because they seem to think they have some sort of right to live here for nothing. Why, they don’t even use shops and businesses, let alone pay council tax."
Local parents are also very worried about the threat that otters could pose to children. “We’ve already seen how foxes can attack babies. Otters are at least as dangerous because they can operate on both land and water, meaning that our children will not even be safe in the swimming pool or the bath."
And in the youth club we find a surprising consensus from young people concerned about their jobs and prospects; “Yeah, they stink of fish innit” is the unanimous verdict.